By Brian Copeland
When I was 4 years old, I asked for an Easy Bake Oven. You brought me some Garanimal outfits. When I was 8, you obliged my request for a Glo Worm with that cowboy comforter set my brother wanted.
Each year, you have threatened me that if I wasn’t good, I wouldn’t get my gift. When I did exactly as you said, I didn’t get what I wanted. Dude, what are you? Some kind of kids’ terrorist?
Now, I’m in my 30s and feel like I can take up for myself; so, here’s what my people and I want for 2010, BUDDY!
1. Appraisal Coupon Book: I bust my tail to make sure I’m pricing these homes correctly, then my value is questioned, making me look like an idiot. Just make me a coupon book of 30 to 60 coupons that I can give to the bank that says, “Trust me. It’s worth what I advised my clients to price it.”
2. A Seller Brain-Altering Device: The hour I spent explaining pricing and market to my evening listing appointment peeps could have been spent watching “Glee,” “So You Think You Can Dance,” or “The Office.” After talking ‘til I was blue in the face about the importance of price, they still wanted to price in 2006’s sellers market with that most-dreaded statement: “But our house is special and different from all those others.” If the device could be iPhone compatible or at least have a USB plug, that would make it very convenient to alter their brains a bit more easily.
3. Anthony Gilardi and Kim Myles In A Box: A 24-hour handyman and home designer from HGTV at my constant disposal would make my job SO much easier this year. Knock them off of HGTV and bring them to my office in Nashville.
4. Food and Lodging for Anthony and Kim: Ooops…I’m not feeding and housing them, by the way.
5. An E-mail/Phone Call Solicitation Crystal Ball: I spend at least 30 minutes a day on the phone or e-mail with someone promising to “Make me #1 on Google,” “Bring me #1 placement on magical website” or “Get my fancy calendar and postcard into more consumers mailboxes.” This crystal ball should screen those calls and only connect me to the real deals that will make me $52 bazillion dollars over the next 12 months.
6. World Peace: Sandra Bullock in “Miss Congeniality” proved that if you ask for this, no matter how bad circumstances get, you still win. If you can’t bring me world peace, then at least get that one agent who keeps shooting me 50 percent off offers to pick up a few REALTOR® designations and learn how to peacefully, win-win negotiate.
Santa, thanks for understanding. I know the economy has been tough and times have changed. The days of me giving my client what I think they want and need are over; so, the days of you giving ME what you think I need and want have also ended. See you in a few days.
P.S. If I had an Easy Bake oven, I’d have a way to bake you some cookies. I see organic rice cakes in your future, Big Guy.